Star Wars Saga: Empire Strikes Back
That famous and much repeated line from Empire Strikes Back, was a shocker and a pivotal moment for most people as they sat in the audience. I remember being on the edge of my seat for those fight scenes. On the way home I was excited about the next release and felt comfort in knowing who my dad was and knowing the love, kindness, and good that came with him. No surprises for me. Whew!
Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader and Star Wars is an adoption story as well as a great saga series. Think about it and you’ll see the connections. For many adopted kids and adults in the audience that day and since, who may not know their birth dad, that line comes with a different after thought - a pang of longing or sadness maybe, an instant spark of curiosity, or even a connection with Luke as another adoptee.
Regardless of how wonderful the relationship is/was with their adoption parents; most kids want to know their birth family too. The struggle is real.
So, when does the yearning begin? Lots of factors are at play in this. One adoption mom told me her 5 year old daughter said she misses her birth mom. Others feel the need to search as they get into their teens and recognize/feel the physical or cultural differences between their adoption parents and themselves. Still others are not curious till they are planning marriage and a family of their own. The question of search is seldom ‘if’ but ‘when’.
An adoptee thinks about it a long time before he/she brings it up. Why wait? The number one response to that question is, “I don’t want to hurt my (adoption) parents. They have always been there for me and I love them. But I need to know.” Younger adoptees may feel worried that their adoption parents will let them go if they know he/she needs to find their birth family. The worry isn’t logical, but it is real for sure.
Adopted kids often harbor a core feeling of shame or unworthiness about their status as a relinquished child. The pressure to make their need known to those they love, fights with the pressure of the need itself. Shame or unworthiness feels incongruent with their need to find and to know those who relinquished them. They are in the middle.
How can adoption parents help relieve the pressure? Expect the conversation. Accept the fact that the need is real and not a rejection of you. Make the conversation as easy as possible for your kids. Here are some suggestions:
If your child raises the question before you expect it, be calm and acknowledge it as important and understandable, because it is. Give him/her love, reassurance, and support to say how they feel and what they want. Validate them.
As age and maturity unfold, make sure your child knows everything you know about the circumstances surrounding their birth and birth family. No secrets. They will likely search the internet and social media before they raise the question and you don’t want to be in a position of telling them after they learn on their own. This may undermine the trust they have in you. If they are old enough to search, they are probably old enough to know.
Start with a search for facts and data, especially when your child is not yet ready for some details about their birth. Where were they born? If you have a child born in another country, what part of the country was it? What is the culture like there? Foods? Holidays? Schools? Life? If your child was born in the US, what part of the country? What hospital? What do the adoption records say? Can more be requested and released? Get comfortable talking about the facts and circumstances with your kids. It will be easier to talk about people when the time comes.
As tough as it might be, don’t make assumptions or speculate about birth families. Your thoughts might be spot on, and you could also be off base. Let the facts speak for themselves. Talk instead about how your kids feel in this journey. Your kids may create a fairy tale about their birth family and their birth story. If the story they have created has some truth, they will be encouraged and when they meet, have their questions answered. They will fill in missing pieces. If it does not go as they had planned, they will need their adoption family to fall into, to love and surround them. Either way, all three parts of this family are important.
As always, there is a caveat. Should a child’s early years include severe abuse, court mandated closed records, or the like, the challenge of telling them the truth about their story intensifies. These are rare situations. Seek professional help. Your kids need to know their truth and you might need help to tell it.
So, what is your take on all of this? What is your experience with birth family search? Did you find an Obi-Wan Kenobi or a Darth Vader or something in between? If you could give advice to your younger self about a search like this what would it be? Inquiring minds want to know.
I hold a few open spots in my schedule each week for no-cost conversations. I would love to give one to you and to hear your story. Reach out through the links below. Like my Facebook page to meet a community you can relate to.