“I’m frustrated! I thought we were past this *#!&* and it feels like we are right back to where we started. Will we ever be a family that feels connected and trusts each other? I just don’t know.” She said in exasperation.
My client and I were meeting on the hiking trails in the National Park near my house. Her family had found some common ground and peace for a while and now it seemed that it was lost, again. She adopted a brother and sister from another country and the oldest had begun pushing away and resisting her as his mom. He met a group of kids with his cultural background at school and had begun to feel a strong connection there.
We have all been there with our kids and others whose opinions and relationship matter, right? We were working on improving something or gaining a common understanding about something and then BOOM, it is all triggered again. And we feel like we start all over … again.
That is the exact, and understandable, place my client was in.
What I have learned is that progress, healing, and success in family relationships is less about eliminating the hurt or frustration and more about recognizing that the hurt or frustration isn’t bigger than the love and intention of those who go through it.
In coaching, progress and forward movement are worth noting. They are indicators that you are on the right path even when you are cycling up and down. They say your efforts are not wasted. That there is hope for more to come. Real progress in relationship improvement is measurable in these three ways.
Frequency – Whatever it is that stirs the hurtful emotional reaction, happens less and less frequently between you and the person you are struggling with. The strategies you employ to manage your thinking and your actions encourage an honest and authentic relationship between yourself and them. You trigger less often.
Duration – The hurtful emotional reaction lasts for shorter and shorter periods of time in either you or the person you are struggling with. You may go from experiencing days of anger, push back or the silent treatment, to hours, to minutes, to a mere eye roll. You move past it faster.
Intensity – In the early stages the intensity of the hurtful emotional reaction is red hot for either you or the person you struggle with. Both can be easily hijacked and not in control of their behavior. As progress is made, the intensity decreases to the point where you can more calmly respond, label it for what it is, and let it go.
In productive, loving family relationships the event frequency spreads out, the ups and downs don’t last long, and they don’t rise as high or dip as low. In truth, events still happen. We are human and imperfectly perfect at that. When all three of these are at the top of their game it is hard to imagine progress, but progress is possible.
In my client’s case, the real hurt of being an adoption mom who feels rejected by her son and is afraid she will lose him, is real. Many adoption parents feel that way. It is triggered easily. What she figured out is that the frequency of his push back had, in fact, decreased. Rather than multiple times a week, it had been almost a month. “What has been different for him in the last few days?” I asked. “Not sure,” she said, “but I will ask him. I wonder if I missed something important to him and he was afraid to bring it up?” She paused in thought. “I won’t know till I have the conversation with him.” Her energy was shifting, and she was in forward momentum.
She also recognized that her son had let go of the behavior after a few hours rather than holding it a few days. And he initiated reconnection with her. That too was progress.
The intensity of her feelings and hurt was still red hot as we talked. The hurt and fear of rejection run deep. She said she felt her intensity had been greater than his. It wasn’t anger toward him but hurt that caused her to react. We spent the rest of our hike sorting that out.
Being able to recognize real progress in the relationship with her son allowed her to genuinely sort out the beliefs and story she carried. She was ready to have a conversation with him. To note the progress they were making, to reaffirm the safety, love, value, and acceptance he has in their home, and to learn what triggered him in the first place.
When we are in the heart of the battle it’s hard to be objective and recognize that progress is happening. Consider keeping track in some way. An electronic daily log or notation on your calendar works well for some people. Others are writers and journal. Still others are doodlers and create an image for the day. Whatever your style, note the FDI for the day and keep at it until you see a steady, healthy cycle.
Living an adoption life isn’t for the faint of heart but it is so worth it. We have the exact children in our lives that we were meant to raise. God doesn’t make mistakes.
If you are in the heart of the battle with someone you love and you would like a ‘gut check’ for progress, reach out. I don’t coach for free, but I do keep several 30 minutes no-cost strategy slots on my schedule each week. I’ll give one to you. For more content like this and a community, you can relate to, like my Facebook Page.