Personal growth is predicated by openness to consider and learn what we don’t already know without giving way to feelings of weakness, failure, or inferiority because we don’t already know it. WOW … read that again. It’s true.
Investing in a coach means personal growth. You will be better on the other side of this experience because you choose to learn, grow, change, and achieve. That was the feedback from a client just last week.
Personal growth is hard. The thing that keeps us going is seeing progress toward what we want, crave, or desire. The momentum toward what we want is much greater than the sacrifice of change. My client spoke the truth, but it wasn’t without realizing that she had come a long way and had more to gain. She didn’t start out with this energy and passion but that is where she is now, and I love it.
This client is a good mom. Her coaching journey began by learning strategies to address the dysfunction in her family. She changed the way she approached each child to set and respect boundaries and she introduced personal accountability and consequences. She is learning to see how the uniqueness in each of her kids influences her approach as a mom. When you are in the battle it is hard to see the beauty in this.
One of the biggest ‘Ahaa” moments for parents is discovering the uniqueness of each child in their care and parenting uniquely and fairly for them. With adoption in particular, parents either go into the new relationship parenting the same way they did raising their biological kids or they enter parenting the same way they remember being parented as a kid. Neither allows for the uniqueness and prior experiences of their adopted kids. With expectations that high, kids and parents will struggle and eventually become dysfunctional. It is not for lack of caring or love. It is a lack of awareness for the unique personality and character each child already has. So, how does a parent begin to sort that out? There are several personality assessments that help. I am partial to Born to Fit.
Born to fit is a simple and practical tool. This is the premise. We are all hardwired from birth with preferences for pace, priority, energy, and environment. Without conscious choice, we respond automatically to how we are wired and so do our kids. We can consciously choose differently but on autopilot, we are who we are. Understanding our automatic responses and those of our kids is key to learning their uniqueness. More about Born to Fit.
Born to Fit Hardwired Preferences:
Pace – A person’s preferred pace is the speed with which he/she moves through life. Each of us moves according to an internal motor. Some of those motors run naturally at a higher speed, others run very well at a slower speed. One pace is not better than the other. They are simply different.
Priority – A person’s preferred priority is the motivation or the direction of their movement. People lean toward being either more task oriented or more people oriented. These are the natural motivations for or the direction of their actions. One priority is not better than the other. They are simply different.
Energy – Each person has a preferred way to expend and re-charge energy…their natural energy focus. Some draw outward energy from crowds or through the energy of people. Others draw inward energy from the closeness of small groups or in peace and solitude. One energy focus is not better than the other. They are simply different.
Environment – A person’s preferred setting is the type of environment they work and live best in. People are naturally wired to accomplish ‘life’ best in either a stable or a flexible setting. One setting is not better than the other. They are simply different.
What does your gut tell you about your preferences? Does one choice ring truer than the other in each of these four preference areas? Any thoughts about how your kids or spouse might be wired?
As you can guess, a person hardwired to be faster paced, with a people priority, inward energy, and a desire for a flexible environment will react to situations much differently than a person who is slower paced, with a task priority, inward energy and a need for a flexible environment. Each preference influences a different reaction. Now let’s teleport to family dynamics.
I was coaching a foster mom with a middle school foster daughter. Termination of parental rights was in the process and if this happened, they wanted to adopt. Mom came into our conversation tired and worn out. “She pushes my buttons all the time.” she said. “I get so frustrated with her. She goes from wonderful and cooperative to nit picking and demanding …. Ugh!” This mom knew her personal preferences were faster paced, flexible and spontaneous. We looked closer at her daughter’s preferences. Yep, her daughter was also faster paced but wired to be stable and structured in her living environment. Mom set house rules and her daughter followed them most of the time but she wanted more structure in the family schedule and plans so she could anticipate what was coming and make plans with her friends (no surprise, her daughter also leaned toward a people priority).
Her daughter was constantly asking her mom about the how, when, and where of scheduled family time and her mom was getting frustrated with the constant questioning. Mom just wanted to play it by ear and thought her daughter would appreciate the spontaneity. What mom thought was button-pushing and poking, was really her daughter innocently being who she was created to be. Mom and I talked through a plan of approach which included sharing how they are wired and how they can work together to find a place where they both can exist peacefully. A little understanding sparked personal growth for both.
If you are interested in how you and/or your kids are Born to Fit contact me. I hold a few open spots on my calendar each week for no cost conversations and I’d like to give one to you. Sometimes a little basic understanding and openness to change can lead to more peace within the four walls of your home. I’d say that is a fair trade!