This blog is for adoptees –
As an adoptee, you come to almost everything with a little extra on your mind. Right?
That includes holidays like your birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the Gotcha Day – Homecoming Day – Adoption Day that means so much to your adoption family. It is not that you are ungrateful, unhappy, or against your adoption family or adoption life. It is something else entirely. Whether you recognize it or not, you feel the loss of your birth family during these family times. The loss of this other life you were originally born into. Some of you have had a connection with your birth family for a long time. Most of you have either never met them or you do not have a meaningful relationship with them. In both cases, your loss is real. It is also understandable.
Sherrie Eldridge, the author of Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, says it this way,
“With the best of intentions, those who love adoptees celebrate the day as if he/she were a non-adopted person. However, in the midst of the parties and celebrations, many adoptees feel churned up inside. They know they are supposed to be happy, but a nagging thought plagues them. “I wonder if my birth mom is thinking of me today. I wonder if I mean anything to her?”
Weighing heavily upon the adoptee as well is society’s romanticized view of adoption. Be happy. Be grateful you have a family. Don’t disappoint your parents.
The adoptee’s response to all of this is to slip into the role of “good adoptee”, following through with what is expected. Shoved aside is his/her true self, sometimes wanting only to cry and be comforted. Or he/she does what I did and acts out my chaotic feelings by sabotaging everyone’s efforts to show me, love.”
Does any of this sound familiar? It echoes some comments from my kids and the stories from the adoptees I have talked to. Holidays are fraught with a double standard. Being double-minded is both common and painful. Again, does this sound familiar?
The top five trigger holidays for adoptees are:
1. Your Birthday
2. Gotcha Day
3. Mother’s Day
4. Father’s Day
5. Christmas Day
No surprise for you, I am sure. All are personal holidays where either you or your family are celebrated. All five are holidays that your adoption family cherishes and plans for with great anticipation. There is a way to authentically experience these special days. Let’s talk.
I am not an adoptee. I am an adoption mom with two sons who are, and I’ve met and talked with many more. Your inner feelings of loss, sadness, and disconnection are shared with other adoptees. It is not weird or a reason for guilt or shame. It is legit. Your adoptive parents, family, and friends are likely unaware of your inner turmoil and celebrate with you because they celebrate who you are today and the love, pride, and respect they have for you today. Therein lies the rub, so they say. Your right to be known for all that you are is butting heads with your desire to fit in, be safe, beloved, be valued, and be accepted.
So, what if it were possible to be known for all that you are AND be safe, loved, valued, and accepted? Now, that is something to talk about. For the holidays ahead I am offering no-cost, 30-minute Office Hours for adoptees. No gimmicks. You can click the link below and schedule your time. I look forward to talking with you.