Holiday Top Five – Parent's Edition

This blog is for adoption parents –

Raising our adopted kids is a love story for sure, along with it come mountain top highs and deep valley lows. The milestones for raising biological kids and adopted kids are the same. However, each stage in an adoption life comes with that extra layer of complexity.

Holidays for adopted kids are often fraught with these emotional super highs and deep lows and it is confusing for us as parents. We plan for the holidays with great anticipation. That spirit of joy and family love is something we have longed for. Some families build new traditions. Others carry childhood traditions into their new family life. As parents, we have longed to feel the completeness of it all and we now have that opportunity. We love our kids and family members, and we want to celebrate them.

So why do holidays and other special family days often spur an emotional rollercoaster for our adopted kids? Why do many act out in self-sabotage and seemingly exaggerated emotional responses? Why do some seem to be faking it when it comes to their joy or happiness? (Hint: it’s usually more than adolescent awkwardness and teen-age angst.)

Holiday Top 5 – What adoption parents watch for -

Not all adoptees struggle with high emotions leading up to holidays. Every situation is unique. It would not be unusual if your kids exhibit some or all of the following:

1.       Dramatic Mood Swings

2.       Self-Sabotage

3.       Uncharacteristic Withdrawal

4.       Instigating Conflict

5.       Victim Behavior

What’s a parent to do?

Here are a couple things parents can do and perspectives from adoptees about them.

Parents Can Consciously Create Security

Be Affectionate With Each Other

“I want my parents to show affection for each other. Put each other before me. It makes me feel secure. Don’t let me manipulate one of you into giving me affection in place of affection for each other.”

Kids feel safe when you are loving together. Kids feel pressure when they are the only visible source of affection for their parents or when their parents are easily influenced.

Work Together Maintain a United Front

“Don’t let me cause disagreements between you when I act out. Have your disagreements later in another room. It gives me too much power, which makes me feel vulnerable to chaos and loss, even if I have created the chaos.”  

Kids feel safe when they know what to expect at home and from their parents. This is especially important when they can’t assign words for their high emotions. Work together to anticipate what might come up and how you will respond together.

 

Work to Resolve Any Grief You Carry About Adopting

“When I am angry and tell them they are not my real parents or that I hate them, I regret it later. But the damage is done. I hurt them. I can see it on their faces. Mom withdraws and dad gets mad. I don’t know why I do that. It just comes out.”

As adoptive parents, you are going to hear this, more than once. When you carry grief or shame about miscarriage or infertility these comments strike deep. Many adoption parents carry stories about being imperfect parents and may even fear the time when their kids talk about their birth family. Kids will test us about the vital role we have in their life as mom and dad. We will respond better when we have resolved the internal insecurities we feel.

 

Parents Can Recognize Why Holidays Might Be Tough for Kids

Family Focus Might Remind Them of Their First Family

“I am not unhappy here, but I wonder if my birth mom/dad are thinking about me too. Do they ever remember me? Sometimes I miss them, and I don’t know why it feels so strong. I wish I could see them and talk to them.”

Many kids feel sad and miss their birth family. It is common for adopted kids. It is also common for kids who have lost the familiar family life due to divorce or the death of a parent. Kids with parents in the military and on deployment feel the loss too. We, as parents, understand the reality of missing that connection when it comes to death, divorce, or military deployment. Some of us may not want to accept the reality that missing birth family is as real and strong for some adopted kids.  It is often the push beneath the behavior and our kids might not realize that. Try to express empathy like, “I miss my mom sometimes during this holiday. I remember how she always made the holiday fun. Do you miss your birth mom sometimes?” Be ready to empathize again when they respond.

 

Lost Traditions Might Exaggerate Their Feelings of Being a Visitor Rather Than Part of it All

“Mom and dad go all out for Christmas. Everything is decorated. They even put a tree in my room. I remember a smaller tree and nativity in my other house. We made popcorn things to put on it. I liked that. I miss that. But I don’t want to disappoint mom and dad.”

Even some little toddlers have a feeling about what family gatherings felt like before. Older kids remember traditions. Find some ways to learn what feels good and comforting for your adopted kids. You can ask older kids what their holidays were like, what they remember doing, etc. For younger kids, it may require observation of them when you are in holiday settings, etc. What do they gravitate to, seem calm and joyful in? It's trial and error and trial again. Think about the traditions, foods, experiences, songs, clothes, etc. that are meaningful to you about your holiday memories. What might they be for your adopted kids? Where can you blend their traditions with yours?

 

They Might be Afraid to Say What They Are Thinking

If I tell mom and dad I am thinking about my other mom and dad they might get mad at me and leave me too. If I let my real emotions out, I may be too much for them to handle and they will let me go. I’ll be abandoned again.”

This is hard to read and write, for that matter. It is, however, a raw emotion that many adoptees feel and are afraid to consciously consider. It is often stronger during holidays and other happy family times. Parents can look for these defensive behaviors (See Holiday Top 5). Expect that you might see some or all and plan for ways that you can respond. Each of your kids is different. The goal is to neutralize worry and fear and to ensure your kids they are important to you and your family and you will never leave them. You may need more than one way to do that. You know your kids. What is their way of feeling safe, loved, valued, and accepted?

 

Holidays are about making good family memories together. Family traditions are built over time.  It is all part of a love story, after all.  If you want to talk about your story and the plans you have to make it real, contact me. I hold open spots on my schedule for no cost conversations. I’d like to give one to you. You are also encouraged to join my Facebook Page. You will find content and a community you can relate to.