Heated family discussions can go so wrong so fast. Has that ever happened to you? You walk into the conversation with every intention to learn about someone’s day, or to engage them in conversation and you walk out of it shaking your head in disbelief and asking how someone could think that or say that to you. It happens to everyone and has for all time. The tricky part, especially in family dynamics, is separating fact from opinion … usually their fact and your opinion. And stopping yourself from assigning a meaning or a motive to what was said or done. Here is an example from a recent conversation with a client.
This client is a good mom with a 15-year-old son whom she loves dearly. My client and her husband adopted a sibling group and her son is the oldest. “I hate this family!” he said to her. She told me “He knew it would hurt me and said it to hurt me.” And that will hurt a mom who works hard to create a good family environment. Conversations between her son and herself have been strained and she says she feels she is failing as his mom. A comment like that really hit home. His fact in the heat of that moment, “I hate this family!” morphed into her opinion of his motive “He knew it would hurt me and he said it to hurt me.” I get it. Don’t you? This is an easy leap to make. It verifies the insecurity she felt. She told him she was sorry he felt that way, he is the oldest and his brothers and sisters watch him and look up to him, she and his dad love him and worked hard to have a good home for the family, and she left the room to deal with her obvious anger and hurt. He went outside to shoot hoops.
What if he meant something else entirely and didn’t have the words or courage in the moment to express it? What else might he have been feeling?
What he said –
“I hate this family sometimes!”
His fact in the moment – I am so frustrated right now I can’t deal with it!
What if he really meant –
“I want to hurt your feelings. I want you to feel as hurt and miserable as I do.”
OR
“I am so frustrated right now I don’t know what to say to stop this conversation. I hate feeling like this.”
OR
“You guys don’t understand what I am going through. You never will. I have to stop this conversation.”
OR
“My brothers and sisters are settling in here and forgetting our other mom and dad. I don’t want that. I have to stop this conversation.”
OR
“You just told me I am a leader for my brothers and sisters. I never thought about that. I need space to think about that. I have to stop this conversation.”
OR
“I am just letting my frustrations out. Why are you acting mad and hurt about this? I only meant to say I am mad. You are overreacting.”
These are six of a million possible additional truths her son may have wanted to communicate to her in that one response – “I hate this family sometimes!” The tricky part is pushing past our immediate interpretation of what it means and asking ourselves “What else could it mean?” “What else could he/she be feeling that resulted in that statement?” “When and How is it best to find out?” “What should my next steps be?”
Living an adoption life means figuring out how and when to have that follow up interaction with the family members we love. It may mean an older adoptee revisiting a conversation with his or her parents. It may mean a parent revisiting a conversation with his or her child. There is always a story behind the outburst. Letting it go or assuming their intent and acting it out only delays the healing. The courageous action is to revisit the conversation in a calmer time (within 24 hours) and learn the real story behind it all. It takes courage to put fears and hurt aside and ask with a loving heart. What were you feeling when we talked earlier? How can I help?
Coaching is about listening objectively and intuitively and asking questions that open clarity or additional truths with a client. Clients sort through and have different possibilities and energy to act on. The deeper the hurt or anger for the client, the harder it is to consider additional truths by themselves. It is a skill that can be learned though.
If you are in the middle of a family discussion that has settled in a hurtful or frustrating place, ask yourself “What if the source of the outburst were different from what I think it is? What else could it be?” If you stay stuck, reach out. I hold a couple no cost 30-minute openings on my schedule each week. I am happy to give one to you. You can also like my Facebook page and see content and a community you can relate to.