Most of us have a basic drive to discover who we are and where we come from. This drive is at the core of the much-acclaimed PBS TV series Finding Your Roots with Henry Louis Gates Jr. Mr. Gates and his team trace the family roots of celebrities and often answer long-held questions and curiosities about family members or the branches of their family tree. I am always intrigued as I watch the show. My 8th Great Grandfather on my father’s side can be traced back to the late 1600s in Ireland. Wow … I imagine how life was different then. There is something comforting about knowing at least some of the many details and stories in your heritage, your family tree.
As an adoptive mom, the subject of my oldest son’s heritage surfaced before I was really ready to explore it. You may have experienced something similar.
My oldest was ‘my son’ a little over a year when he came home with a second-grade assignment to bring in a baby picture and a family tree showing him, his parents, and grandparents. Decision time. He was so excited to have his dad and me, as well as both sets of grandparents, on his tree. The issue, this time, was a baby picture, the earliest orphanage photo I had of him was as a 3 ½ years old boy. Ever find yourself in the position of wanting to support the emotional needs of your child and not having the immediate means to do so?
Stan wanted nothing more than to claim his dad and I as dad and mom and to fit in. A picture of a 3 ½ year old would raise questions and comments from the other kids. And this was not a good time to introduce adoption to the class so … he and I sat down at the computer, Googled cute baby pictures and picked one that looked like he might have looked as a baby. This cute, dark haired and dark eyed boy became Stan for the moment.
Our first family tree was born.
As Stan got older and felt confident enough to wrap his head around the fact that he has both adoptive parents and biological parents, that he is both American and Bulgarian, his family tree became part of our family forest. The Irish O’Neals began to mingle roots with our son’s Bulgarian, biological family roots.
Our family forest began.
Though he did not know his biological parents, he did know his country and what part of the country he was from. He also knew his cultural roots. Armed with this and Google research, many of his future class projects were about Bulgaria and the proud people who live there. While Henry Louis Gates Jr would have been proud of his research, I was proud of his ability to hold on to the claim of his adoptive family while he explored his native roots.
Since that time, he and I have returned to his orphanage twice and have met several caregivers who loved him as a boy. They still do and he claims them as Aunts, the forest expands. One day, if he wants to find his biological family, I will help him to do that. I have come to see our family tree as part of a family forest.
I spoke with an adoptive mom recently who has a family of five kids, each with a biological mom and dad of their own. She has created a family forest on the walls of their family room. Each child has a tree. As her kids have shown interest and their stories and pictures are uncovered, their personal tree in the forest is enhanced.
There are many ways an adoptee can claim both his or her adoptive family tree and the family forest he or she brings in. There are also many ways adoptive parents can cherish their family tree and welcome the forest presented by their adopted kids. The courageous decision is to ‘Just do it’.
If you are an adoptive family and curious about how to bring your tree and forest together. Contact me. I hold a couple no cost spots open on my calendar each week and I’d love to give one to you. You are also welcome to like my Facebook page. You will find a community there that you can relate to.