Accepted
Trusted – Welcomed – Fit
Living a beautiful adoption life starts with the need to feel safe, loved, valued, and accepted. The fourth building block is acceptance, to know you are trusted, welcomed, and that you belong. You fit.
Acceptance is different from feeling safe, loved, or valued. It has a place of its own, especially for adoptive parents and their adopted kids. The tougher the journey into adoption, the harder it can be for kids to believe that they are accepted, needed, have a place to be.
So ...what might an adopted kid need to work through to feel acceptance in their home or with their adoptive family? How might we ensure early on that they belong, they fit? No questions asked. No fear or worry.
Top Three Things to Work Through:
Biology – Seldom do adopted kids physically resemble their parents or siblings. They stand out as a family everywhere they go. From the beginning kids see and sense the reactions of others who engage with them. Some are bold and some are subtle. They see how their parents respond.
· “Are these your kids?”
· “Oh, you must have adopted.”
· “Are you adopted?’ “You don’t look like the rest.”
· Or … the hesitation when a parent arrives for the first parent-teacher conference of the school year and there is that moment of confusion about who is Mom or Dad.
Sound familiar? These kinds of things remind an adopted kid that they are different and do not fit in yet.
What can parents do? Start by -
Claiming them. The first time and every time.
· “Are these your kids?” “Absolutely! Aren’t they great? I am a lucky Mom/Dad.”
· “Hi, I am Stanislav’s Mom. Nice to meet you. I’m looking forward to hearing how my son is doing in your class.”
Don’t give in to the pressure to explain adoption or your family make up. Just stake your claim with joy and enthusiasm. When your kids are old enough, help them know how to respond when comments are made to them.
Ancestry – Families born in adoption have both a family tree and a family forest. Adopted kids will get to know and love their non-biological family. They will likely be sensitive about acceptance, where and how they fit. They will also be curious and may seek connection with their biological family. They are connected to both the tree and the forest.
What can parents do? Start by -
Easing the way. Help them see positive connections. Always with joy and a smile.
· “You remind me of Grandpa when you make that expression.”
· “When I was a kid, I liked to climb trees too.”
· “We both get a little sad when we see someone who is hurt and crying. I like that about us.”
· “Your birth country has a long history of brave and creative people. I see that in you too.”
· “Your birth dad was really good in science when he was in school. You have that interest too.”
As adopted kids get older, they look for ways that they are accepted for all that they are. Parents can be aware that this need will surface and remain open when it does. A kid’s interest in their family forest is not a rejection for the family who has loved and raised them.
Life Before Now – Many adopted kids come from hard places. Whether they were in the foster system, orphanages, or difficult biological environments, life may not have been easy. They may feel shame or embarrassment. Older kids may have made some decisions that they would like to take back. For some there may be a big gap to overcome before mutual acceptance feels real for them. Hard as it may be, it is a beautiful thing to see when that assurance of full acceptance unfolds. Wow.
What can parents do? Start by –
· Stopping and listening as their kids feel comfortable revealing their journey
· Give empathy rather than sympathy
· Get help or guidance from professionals if you feel uncertain
· “You belong here.” And “I am proud that you are my child.” Are always welcome assurances
· Be the consistent force of acceptance for who your son or daughter is. Remind them in ways you know are important to them
· Stay the course when their behavior might look like push back, meanness, and rejection of you as Mom or Dad. This is part of their journey too.
Real acceptance doesn’t come from the same place or in the same way for everybody. It does, however, come from the same deep need - to know you are trusted, known, welcomed, and belong. We all need that.
If you are curious about how to ensure your kids know without a doubt that they are fully accepted in your home, contact me. I hold several no-cost openings for conversation each week. I am happy to give one to you. Also, like my Facebook page. You will find content and a community you can relate to.