“Don’t love me for what I can do...love me for who I am.”
A client’s reminder
Living a beautiful adoption life starts with the search to be safe, loved, valued, and accepted. We can’t move into who we really are until this foundation is set. So, when a client told me that his parents “love him for what he can do but have no clue about who he is” I was immediately taken back to a time when my youngest son was new to our family.
He was a 6 year old, intercountry adoptee trying to learn the language and find his place. It was obvious early on that he was a natural athlete. He couldn’t communicate with language but put a ball in his hands or at his feet and he was all about it. I loved to watch him play. It became an easy way to encourage him and celebrate him, or so I thought. That is what I did for several years. In an instant he stopped playing, stopped participating. He later told me that I was more enthusiastic about what he could do than about who he was. Full transparency, he stopped me in my tracks. I began to realize that many of the hurtful changes I was seeing in his teen years may have started with that belief. For him it felt real. He didn’t feel valued enough for being smart, kind, funny and full of life, who he really was and is. He felt valued because he could kick a ball or make a beautiful 3 point shot. He took control of what he could and he stopped playing the game.
Many adoptees ask themselves “Why me?” “Why did they give me up?” And “Why did they choose me?” As adoptive parents we can’t always fully answer the first question. We can, however, answer the second. It is not often on our radar screen as something important to ensure and I encourage you to elevate the effort. Feeling valued for who you are in your core is a deep, unspoken human need.
So, how do we start to get our head around that? Maybe look at how we feel valued and then think about how we can make that real for our kids.
Questions we ask ourselves when we want to be valued by someone important to us.
Do they appreciate me?
Do they respect me?
Do they ‘get me’?
Do they express curiosity about me and what’s important to me?
Do they listen?
When I am sad or troubled, do they empathize?
Do they let me know I am important in ways I understand?
Do their actions line up with what they say? Does it feel real?
Do they sacrifice what they want sometimes to give me what I want sometimes?
Do I have positive hope about my future with them?
So, what would these answers look like in the eyes of your smart, kind, funny, full of life kid?
It is not too early to start. Toddlers pick up on what their mom and dad get excited about and what they celebrate. Celebrating their athletic successes and physical characteristics is not wrong. Just add a healthy dose of celebration for their happy spirit, their kindness, their willingness to share, their funny, quirky behaviors. It is never too early to start and never too late to begin. This ability to see who your kid really is at the core will serve you your whole life and theirs.
Food for thought.
My son and I are still recovering from the impression he had as a kid. As imperfectly perfect parents, we know it is a journey. You never stop being mom or dad and you never want to. Our time will come.
If you are curious about creating a healthy adoption life, contact me. I hold several open, no cost spots in my calendar for adoptees and adoptive parents. Connect through the button below. I also encourage you to like or follow my Facebook page. You will join a community of people much like you. The link below will take you there.