I am, and proud of it. As a recovering perfectionist, I learned the hard way that perfection is always fleeting, a moving target. I have reconciled that imperfectly perfect is actually much better.
In a conversation with a client recently, we talked about creating emotional safety and trust with her kids. She shared the push back they were giving. They were saying things like, “You always have to be right about everything.” “I did my best but NO, you want it done differently.” “I can never do anything good enough. I give up.” (insert a sassy tone and attitude and you have the delivery). So I asked, “Have you ever thought of yourself as a perfectionist?” She thought a second and said, “I don’t think so. I just know when my kids are not doing their best and I want them to be all they can be. That is my job as Mom, to encourage their best.” I relate to her desire, don’t you?
A truism - One person’s encouragement is another person’s heartfelt criticism. That is the hard lesson I learned.
The push for perfection is an outward action in response to an inner fear, usually held in the back of our mind. Here are a few common repeaters that my clients have talked about. See if any resonate with you.
Fear of making a mistake
Fear of losing what you have
Fear of humiliation
Fear of disappointing others
Fear of being exposed
Fear of doing something wrong
Fear of falling short
Fear of not being accepted for who you really are
For me as an adoptive mom, a couple of these were active. Fear of making a mistake, fear of disappointing others, and fear of being exposed were drivers for me to be perfect and to encourage my kids to be the same. I thought I was helping them learn and grow. In truth, there were times when they were disheartened and hesitant to try things on their own. Their verbal push back and their hurt, discouraged expressions caused me to confront my own approach. If I had a coach to help me, change would have happened faster but in time I put the pieces together.
Still today I pause and pull my tendencies in check. That is why I say that I am imperfectly perfect. I have to intentionally decide to encourage the good work of my kids and not bury it with a suggestion to make it even better or another way to do it. I choose to affirm and strengthen them. My sons are young adults now and they still find safety and acceptance in that simple act of love. For me that is also being ‘Mom’.
As for my client, she is a good mom and she is developing a new way to approach her adopted kids so they continue to mature and unpack who they are created to be. Parenting is not one and done. The need to learn and lead never stops. It is a lifelong learning experience for them and for us.
So, what are the common fears that lie in the back of your mind? Fear sets itself up as our protector. These beliefs and stories are usually formed as young people and they become overused and unneeded as we grow past them. They follow us trying to protect us until we release them. That self discovery and decision is part of what coaching is all about.
I love helping clients release the beliefs that carry doubt. I always hold a few open spots for no-cost conversations. I’d like to hear from you. If you have fears different from these, let me know I’ll add yours to the list.
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